I keep re-reading things and remembering things and wishing and praying and crying
and breaking down.

The first thought that comes to mind is "FUCK YOU."
fuck you all over again and then I remember it's dealt with, it's done, I'm fine.
Thank you very much for coming, I hope to see you soon.

Then I think how different everything would be. How wonderful and beautiful the world would still seem all of the time, even in the dead of winter, sanctuary.

Then I feel, and I feel this in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my heart, in every inch of my body....
that all of it fell apart, because of me.
Sure, there was other factors, but we were dealing with them, getting by and laughing while doing it.
I'm sorry I tore it all down after we worked so hard to keep it built up.

I hope that when I see you again, I can tell you the sad story of what I broke with a heartwarming ending of us all together again.


"Haven't the things that have hurt you the most stemmed from desire?"

Maybe I'm not meant to be a good person.
Maybe I can't do that.
I've try and I keep trying
But it seems I just go back, back to being fucking selfish.
Back to wanting all the beauty, all the love, all the things I've never had.
I know this is wrong, and believe me when I say I am trying.
because I am.