birthday

It wasn't such a bad birthday when I look at the night in whole.
We laughed a lot, drank a lot and used very little common sense.

We all ended up at another of my friend's apartments not far from my place, we had a bottle of maple whiskey and a bottle of Jagger.
(That was after the two 4L pitchers, 7 shots of Jagger and 3 shots of JD.)

I guess up until this point I was doing a perfectly good job at ignoring it.
Fating to pretend.
But the moment I was alone in the bathroom, standing in the mirror, I felt like shit.
Not drinking shit, just shit.
I re read the message from Kat and wondered how I was suppose to answer her.
I re red the messages to and from Annie and wondered where I'm suppose to go with this now.


I'm sorry our plans don't work, I really am because I truly, truly miss you everyday.
Every time I walk past the store on my way to class I look up and hope to see you in the window.
I just can't stand the fact that you think I'm ditching you or something.
I'm sorry if our time tables with each other are all fucked up,
I'm sorry I've been so absent but I'm not trying to be.
When you sent me that text I was lying in bed and all I could do was think to myself
Kat's gonna walk out that door too.
I'm sorry I always have to be somewhere, do something, see someone
but it's a fucking hectic time right now, for everyone.
I don't even know what's going on with you lately and I wish I did.
I'm gonna keep trying, I'm gonna try harder.
please don't walk out that door.
You are my girl Kat, I need you in my life.

Now I don't know where we stand anymore.
I told you that both of you deserved to be there. because you both did.
I'm not gonna pick one or other, I can't do it.
For two months now I've been deciding is this worth it
if I do this, then will it fix anything now?
well the point is, the damage is done.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Those words don't have any meaning to you do they?
okay I fucked up, but the fact is that if you look at it from my point of view,
from my perspective.
Remember the train station.
"everything is gonna be okay <3"
I fucking cried to you because I said that without you two, I would be so fucked.
It's still true.
I can't do one or the other, I'm sorry but it's not in me to give up another person in my life.
so that said, I don't know where you and me stand right now.
But I can tell you this, no matter mad you get/ are, I will keep trying.
I will keep saying sorry until it means something.
I will keep telling you all the beautiful things you deserve to hear
I wish you could be hearing it from someone who wasn't so broken,
I wish you could hear it from someone who didn't play a part in breaking you,
but this is what I have now.
this is all I got,
but you can have it all.
all three of you.
I'm sorry if there isn't enough, I'm sorry that I'm not enough.


So with all of this running through my mind and alcohol pumping in my veins
I made myself sick.
I picked myself up off the floor after a while and went outside.
Justin met me outside and I tried so hard to hide that I was crying.
I didn't want him to know why I was crying.
all I could do was pace drunkenly back and forth and try to keep myself calm.
I'm sorry okay, I have no other words.