I need air. I think too much.

I've been quiet when it comes to one on one time with someone.
I just don't feel the need to fill comfortable silence with useless words.
Not that I don't talk a lot, I do, about random shit but I really do love just sitting quietly with someone, that always seemed to be enough for me.

but if I get quite, If I don't say anything for while people think something's wrong.
The truth is I do most of my thinking when I'm having a conversation.
I can't sit in my room, all alone, and figure out how to deal with something,
It's just not in me.
I can on the other hand sit in silence and replay moments in my head
over think every word and little movement someone made.
I can dwell in my own head, live there for a while just to realize I'm not all that happy there. I know that's wrong, that I should be able to deal with my shit when I'm alone but I can't do it.
I use to try a lot, but it's so exhausting.

Then again I don't usually solve things in the best way, I can never say exactly how I feel to someone, no matter how many times i practice it in my head.
I'm always watching my words and holding myself back.
It's weird because I've never had to edit myself around people before.
Maybe this is a whole new turning point...
God I'm tired of those.
I just want things to calm for a while. I spend my days laughing with my best friends and being tangled up on my couch but that's not the kind of calm I mean.
I mean
no "dealing with it later"
no pushing things back
or avoiding situations.
I guess this whole thing is about how I need to take on more responsibility in my life, to just do what I need to and move on to something better.
I have to learn how to deal with myself alone...
should I really be dealing with myself at all? I've gotten over so many things that I didn't/ don't like about myself, but this always holds me back.
It holds me back and then I run, like I ran to camp this summer.
& it doesn't get dealt with, because I still don't like the idea of it.


whatever. regular Tuesday night.