I weave myself in and out of different crowds feeling like I'm attached to a string and sowing a path in the air.
aching muscles, heaving chest, heavy shoulders.
"just walk, just walk and don't stop"
I kept repeating it to myself over and over again.
Trying to push every other though out of my mind, trying to forget what causes this in the first place.
But I can't, of course I can't.
stoplight. Red.
I stand for a few seconds feeling like i won't be able to make it across the ocean of cars and lights.
Green. I'm running now.
"follow me, follow me, take my hand and tell me it's okay"
He doesn't, he isn't aware of what's happening in my mind.
"I need to breathe, I can't breathe."
Sitting on the edge of a low window I try stabilizing myself.
Deep breath. In out.
Looking puzzled he walks over, seeing the panic on my face scares him, he's not sure of what to say.
All I'm thinking now is " If he were you, I would be able to breathe right now."
I push that out of my mind because he's all I have right now.
I search my bag furiously, adrenaline pumping, heart racing, crying.
Finding what I'm looking for, I hand him my cell phone and the only word escaping my clenched throat is "Annie. Annie."
He punches in the number and stands there, he still hasn't said a word to me.
unsure, he says I asked him to call her. The phone is pushed to my ear.
"babe, what's wrong? are you okay?
"there was screaming and people fighting, loudness."
I cry, I have no control, I barely managed to say even this.
"where are you? Tell me what's around you, you need to calm down babe, it's ok alright, I promise"
I keep attempting. I keep crying but slowly I began breathing at a slower pace.
My legs are shaking, my arms are shaking. My core is shaking.
After a few minutes of small talk I calm down and thank Annie, I apologize for the worrying call.
"I'm sorry, thank you so much, I love you"
"don't apologize, you're welcome, I love you too"
we hang up. He's still standing in front of me understanding a little more.
I need space, I still need air but I light up a smoke and walk away without saying a word.
After a while I feel myself fighting to pull back reality, to come back to the real world.
I'm here. We are here. We are coming from here and going there.
"I'm okay now, it was nothing, don't worry."
A lie I shouldn't have to tell but trusting me, he believes it.
I feel myself sinking into the wall I'm leaning my back on, I stand straighter now, trying to keep it all under control while my insides are kicking and screaming.
As the night carries on, I sit still, I walk fast, I think about who I wanted there instead of him, I shake my head in dis belief.
inside of some metro station, I had never been we sit on the rolling carpet, intended for walking but I don't care. I like everything better from this point of view, I feel small inside the long bright tunnel.
"You can't act that way if anything like that happens again, I need to know you can help me, I need you to pull me out of that."
I'm not angry, I'm disappointed.
"I know, I'm sorry...I just didn't know what was going on with you."
We both leave it at that and sit together on the rolling carpet until we reach the end of our little ride.
Walking out of the metro, I once again pull out a cigarette.
I still need air but I won't have it.
I still need space but he's so close.
Really it was just another pretty night with bad feelings seeping out of every corner in the city.
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