I don't know what I can do any differently.
They want me to change my entire life, again.
I moved away from the people and friends I love
I moved away from the memories and good times
and since then I've created so many more
that hold actual meaning and are worth everything to me.
I don't for one fucking second regret moving to Montreal because of the love i've found and shared in the short time I've been here.
But everyday I know that this place, apartment 8, in the room at the back of the apartment, just isn't where I'm suppose to be.
I don't know how to change this, I feel that whatever I suggest will just be rejected and result in more bullshit.
But in the end I think there's one suggestion I could make that just won't be refused.
Toronto. with my aunt and younger cousin.
It's been bouncing around my head for a while, because I know it's a place where my mother feels I would be "safe" as apposed to here.
There's very little stopping me, but it has a huge impact on my life.
What about these beautiful people that found me?
Would I be able to keep the physical distance for so long?
I know my going there would be temporary, only until my next birthday.
But already I'm going to be gone all summer, and that's starting to weigh in on me.
I don't want things to be different when I come back.
I know that going off to Toronto would be painful, one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I have to consider my options.
I'm not running from everything in Montreal,
I see this summer as giving myself time to work out my life.
It's a scary thought, because I know every tree will remind me of something I want to forget.
But at least I wouldn't be facing these memories boxed in by those four ugly ass walls.
So I'll give myself the summer, to relax and think clearly, do some serious grounding up by the fairy tree and spend as much time being covered in dirt and looking messy as I possibly can.
6 weeks of Tamaracouta is what I need, but if it isn't enough...
I have to leave for a while.
No comments:
Post a Comment