Apartment Eight

It's just everything,
everything is happening all the time everywhere.
When it isn't one thing, it's another.
My mind is constantly racing
it gotten to a point where sometimes
I'll remember a moment,
A moment where I've gotten caught for something,
A moment where I had no self control,
A moment that made me smile, any one of these,
and my heart just drops.

I can't believe how stupid I was.
What the fuck was I thinking?
a smile.
then it feels like I can barely stand up straight.
I'll sit down
over-analyze every meaning of every word,
try to find some kind of hidden message
anything,
that won't make it seem so bad.

When this happens, honestly, I don't know what to do.
It gives me the feeling of needing to get the hell out of this place
just leave
go
run.
But no matter how long I leave for
no matter the good times before I return,
walking up those stairs, I lose my strength
putting the key in the lock and walking through the door,
feels like unlocking and walking into my own cage
a prison.
This kind of feeling grasps me
grabs at my hands and feet
pulls me onto my bed, underneath the covers,
for a split seconds I feel okay, safe, comforted even.
In that second
I feel that the world isn't crushing down on me.
My hearts not going explode.
All in all,I think I just need to get away,
and stay away.
I know the feeling of being home and nothing,
Nothing here makes me feel home.

So for now, I've put myself in your hands.
and considering that was a stupid idea,
I've just fucked up something else.
Maybe it will be okay when it ends, we'll have to wait and see.

I don't want to be here anymore.