History

I've been trying to understand.

Hours were spent going through everything I own,
desperately trying to figure out how I got myself
here.
Even after a months of being here
I left one box sealed.
Finally, I decided to open it.

Inside were the old records I had hanging on my walls,
When I moved I tried to leave a lot behind,
but I found so many pieces of who I was.
Pictures taken in parks,
notes and letters,
some I intended to give,
most I intended on keeping.
At the bottom of it all
buried beneath the music and the words,
I found a diary I must have forgotten about.

So much was scribbled into that book,
I couldn't even comprehend some of it.

"I'm afraid to do this without him."
He's suppose to be here for me but we keep fucking up and pushing each other out of our lives. We get better then we get worse than ever before.
I remember being little, looking at my brother and thinking how much I wanted to be like him when I grew up.
well,
I can't be like him, I don't want to be like him anymore.
But I'm so afraid to do this without him.

"When I'm with him, and we're lying in a ray of sun on the bed,
I want him to know what he means to me..."
And then there's boy I was ready to drop everything for.
I hate that I let him get to me that way.
He held me when I was crying that first day,
he took me to the docks and kissed me and held my hand.
But he never missed me when I was gone,
he didn't love me.
To this day, I don't know if I loved him.

"I don't want to be here anymore."
I still don't want to be anywhere I've already been.


I don't know if any of this is real anymore,
I'm not sure it ever was.