holoscene

...and at once i knew i was not magnificent.
high above the highway aisle
(jagged vacance, thick with ice)
i could see for miles, miles, miles

For the most part I am content.
some days are better then others, and the others are much harder then they seem.

I guess I'm just waiting for something to come around.
come around.

Conversations in my sleep

"I Love you."
"That doesn't answer my question."
"Look in my eyes, and tell me you don't believe me then."
"I believe you, but that's not what I want to know.
Those three words, they can twist anybody into anything.
But I know you well enough to know that isn't everything, that you have to say."
"What do you want to hear? That my world turns for you, that you bring up the sun and pull down my moon? Do you want to look at you and say I've been angry for the last 6 years of life, accept when I'm with you? Because all of that is true, if you didn't already know. But I hate that you know me so well, so well that I can't hide anything from you.
Last night, lying in bed, I pushed myself up off your chest just for a second, just so I could breath and you asked me what was wrong, How did you know? How do you always know when all my air is so caught in my throat and that every thought has my head spinning.
it's not fair. so don't ask me questions you already have answers to babe, you know exactly how I feel. Because it was you this summer, who sat infront of me and told me "You can't live your life for someone else, waiting for someone to come back.
It was you I ran in the rain with, it was you I cried to when I was trying so hard to hold back my tears.
So you know everything about me. Because for the last year you were my best friend and I told you everything, and for the last 6 months you've been my lover, and I tell you everything."
"I love you too."

There is glass between our touch,
Phantom limbs of former love...
And the truth is that I am so terrified

That the callous is deeper
Than the surface of our skin.
And it takes us twice as long,
It takes twice as long to heal.



Breaking a cycle is hard.
Following through with what you know is right,
is hard.
Following through with what you feel,
is even harder.
Yeah you know what, I'm scared.
I'm fucking terrified.
Because I've got everything to lose.
Am I really already at this point in my life?
It's not that I'm not ready or willing to defend everything I stand for,
everything I love and everything I've got
But why do I have to defend it in fear?
I want to defend it in pride, in glory,
In fucking happiness.

"This much I'm certain of: it doesn't happen immediately. You'll finish [the book] and that will be that, until a moment will come, maybe in a month, maybe a year, maybe even several years. You'll be sick or feeling troubled or deeply in love or quietly uncertain or even content for the first time in your life. It won't matter. Out of the blue, beyond any cause you can trace, you'll suddenly realize things are not how you perceived them to be at all. For some reason, you will no longer be the person you believed you once were. You'll detect slow and subtle shifts going on all around you, more importantly shifts in you. Worse, you'll realize it's always been shifting, like a shimmer of sorts, a vast shimmer, only dark like a room. But you won't understand why or how. You'll have forgotten what granted you this awareness in the first place

...

You might try then, as I did, to find a sky so full of stars it will blind you again. Only no sky can blind you now. Even with all that iridescent magic up there, your eye will no longer linger on the light, it will no longer trace constellations. You'll care only about the darkness and you'll watch it for hours, for days, maybe even for years, trying in vain to believe you're some kind of indispensable, universe-appointed sentinel, as if just by looking you could actually keep it all at bay. It will get so bad you'll be afraid to look away, you'll be afraid to sleep.

Then no matter where you are, in a crowded restaurant or on some desolate street or even in the comforts of your own home, you'll watch yourself dismantle every assurance you ever lived by. You'll stand aside as a great complexity intrudes, tearing apart, piece by piece, all of your carefully conceived denials, whether deliberate or unconscious. And then for better or worse you'll turn, unable to resist, though try to resist you still will, fighting with everything you've got not to face the thing you most dread, what is now, what will be, what has always come before, the creature you truly are, the creature we all are, buried in the nameless black of a name.

And then the nightmares will begin."
— Mark Z. Danielewski (House of Leaves)

I just want.

I just want to know what I need.
The heart
wants
what it
wants.

But my hearts gotten me into so much trouble already.
Is this still what I need? Something light, something easy to handle?
Because it doesn't feel that way lately.
I don't want to be comparing them to each other
But I spent 9 months feeling this way;
9 months of no pictures because of drama
9 months being happy together and a mess apart.
9 months pushing thoughts out and letting nothing in.
9 months, being in love, alone.

I will never push you to tell me anything you don't mean,
but I need to know; what is this going to be for you?

3 cups of coffee, 5 cups on tea, spoonfuls and spoonfuls and spoonfuls of sugar.
Cigarette after cigarette "I'm cutting down."
lay in bed, move around, struggle to find sleep, wake up crying 20 minutes later.
Walk the streets of the place I love, feeling like a caged bird.
Vendome, Lionel-Groux, Atwater, Guy-Concordia, 90, 105.
4 flights of stairs, door on the left, walk right in and dump everything on the floor.
Music, cigarettes, couch, computer.
lay in bed, move around, struggle to find sleep, wake up crying 20 minutes later.
REPEAT.