Maybe everything that falls is meant to rise

holoscene

2011-05-21T22:53:00.001-07:00

...and at once i knew i was not magnificent.
high above the highway aisle
(jagged vacance, thick with ice)
i could see for miles, miles, miles

2011-04-17T13:08:00.000-07:00

For the most part I am content.
some days are better then others, and the others are much harder then they seem.

I guess I'm just waiting for something to come around.
come around.

Conversations in my sleep

2011-03-26T15:01:00.001-07:00

"I Love you."
"That doesn't answer my question."
"Look in my eyes, and tell me you don't believe me then."
"I believe you, but that's not what I want to know.
Those three words, they can twist anybody into anything.
But I know you well enough to know that isn't everything, that you have to say."
"What do you want to hear? That my world turns for you, that you bring up the sun and pull down my moon? Do you want to look at you and say I've been angry for the last 6 years of life, accept when I'm with you? Because all of that is true, if you didn't already know. But I hate that you know me so well, so well that I can't hide anything from you.
Last night, lying in bed, I pushed myself up off your chest just for a second, just so I could breath and you asked me what was wrong, How did you know? How do you always know when all my air is so caught in my throat and that every thought has my head spinning.
it's not fair. so don't ask me questions you already have answers to babe, you know exactly how I feel. Because it was you this summer, who sat infront of me and told me "You can't live your life for someone else, waiting for someone to come back.
It was you I ran in the rain with, it was you I cried to when I was trying so hard to hold back my tears.
So you know everything about me. Because for the last year you were my best friend and I told you everything, and for the last 6 months you've been my lover, and I tell you everything."
"I love you too."

2011-03-25T09:51:00.000-07:00

There is glass between our touch,
Phantom limbs of former love...
And the truth is that I am so terrified

That the callous is deeper
Than the surface of our skin.
And it takes us twice as long,
It takes twice as long to heal.

Breaking a cycle is hard.
Following through with what you know is right,
is hard.
Following through with what you feel,
is even harder.
Yeah you know what, I'm scared.
I'm fucking terrified.
Because I've got everything to lose.
Am I really already at this point in my life?
It's not that I'm not ready or willing to defend everything I stand for,
everything I love and everything I've got
But why do I have to defend it in fear?
I want to defend it in pride, in glory,
In fucking happiness.

2011-03-15T20:24:00.001-07:00

"This much I'm certain of: it doesn't happen immediately. You'll finish [the book] and that will be that, until a moment will come, maybe in a month, maybe a year, maybe even several years. You'll be sick or feeling troubled or deeply in love or quietly uncertain or even content for the first time in your life. It won't matter. Out of the blue, beyond any cause you can trace, you'll suddenly realize things are not how you perceived them to be at all. For some reason, you will no longer be the person you believed you once were. You'll detect slow and subtle shifts going on all around you, more importantly shifts in you. Worse, you'll realize it's always been shifting, like a shimmer of sorts, a vast shimmer, only dark like a room. But you won't understand why or how. You'll have forgotten what granted you this awareness in the first place

...

You might try then, as I did, to find a sky so full of stars it will blind you again. Only no sky can blind you now. Even with all that iridescent magic up there, your eye will no longer linger on the light, it will no longer trace constellations. You'll care only about the darkness and you'll watch it for hours, for days, maybe even for years, trying in vain to believe you're some kind of indispensable, universe-appointed sentinel, as if just by looking you could actually keep it all at bay. It will get so bad you'll be afraid to look away, you'll be afraid to sleep.

Then no matter where you are, in a crowded restaurant or on some desolate street or even in the comforts of your own home, you'll watch yourself dismantle every assurance you ever lived by. You'll stand aside as a great complexity intrudes, tearing apart, piece by piece, all of your carefully conceived denials, whether deliberate or unconscious. And then for better or worse you'll turn, unable to resist, though try to resist you still will, fighting with everything you've got not to face the thing you most dread, what is now, what will be, what has always come before, the creature you truly are, the creature we all are, buried in the nameless black of a name.

And then the nightmares will begin."
— Mark Z. Danielewski (House of Leaves)

I just want.

2011-02-14T21:12:00.001-08:00

I just want to know what I need.
The heart
wants
what it
wants.

But my hearts gotten me into so much trouble already.
Is this still what I need? Something light, something easy to handle?
Because it doesn't feel that way lately.
I don't want to be comparing them to each other
But I spent 9 months feeling this way;
9 months of no pictures because of drama
9 months being happy together and a mess apart.
9 months pushing thoughts out and letting nothing in.
9 months, being in love, alone.

I will never push you to tell me anything you don't mean,
but I need to know; what is this going to be for you?

2011-02-14T21:07:00.000-08:00

3 cups of coffee, 5 cups on tea, spoonfuls and spoonfuls and spoonfuls of sugar.
Cigarette after cigarette "I'm cutting down."
lay in bed, move around, struggle to find sleep, wake up crying 20 minutes later.
Walk the streets of the place I love, feeling like a caged bird.
Vendome, Lionel-Groux, Atwater, Guy-Concordia, 90, 105.
4 flights of stairs, door on the left, walk right in and dump everything on the floor.
Music, cigarettes, couch, computer.
lay in bed, move around, struggle to find sleep, wake up crying 20 minutes later.
REPEAT.

hear you me, my friend

2011-02-03T13:20:00.001-08:00

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

You'll be missed, I promise you that much <3

2011-02-01T21:28:00.000-08:00

I'm telling you i feel like shit because I want YOU to help me feel better.
I know you're far away and can't do very much and I know it's wrong of me to count on you so much, but I just don't know what to do right now.
and I need to hear you tell me it's going to be okay.
I don't even know whats wrong with me but I know thats what I want you to say to me.
Because I'll believe you.

my dear friends,

2011-02-01T21:12:00.000-08:00

I wish I could rip the world in two and keep half just for us.

We could do whatever we please
sleep all day in hammocks out on the beach
drink and walk the streets that we own
read books, write books, build a library in one of our lost towns
We would have everything we ever need;
we would have each other.

to a brother

2011-01-28T21:11:00.001-08:00

I will always stand beside you, no matter what.
One night, that's all it took.
I have so much love for you, it's insane.
I've re-gained every single ounce of respect I ever had for you and more.

We've always been the dynamic duo, we always will be.
I'm grateful for you, no matter how much we both fucked up
we know we will always have each other.
at least that.

You listened to all my drunken ramblings on top of it.
"He's been my best friend for about a year, he got me hot chocolate when I my heart was broken, held up me when I was past the point of drunk, worries about me when I get to quiet and always made me laugh when I really needed too. He's got this whole do what makes you happy and stop worrying about things point of view, which is really good for me. He's always really straight up with me and makes fun of me for being overly emotional, he tells me when I need to suck it up and do something, he doesn't baby me, he understands me, better than anyone before, and he treats me like a fucking princess."

I guess only a real brother will sit there and smile when you talk about things like this.

safe

2011-01-28T20:39:00.000-08:00

in your eyes i see the eyes of somebody that could be strong, tell me if i'm wrong
and now i'm pulling your disguise up, tell me are you free or are you tied up?

Running your fingers down my back singing softly, I smile and let my self fall asleep.
Tangled up in every inch of you, knotted so closely I don't know where you begin and I end.
rolling over and seeing your face beside mine on the pillow, a half asleep kiss to remind me you're happy I am beside you.

At some point in all of this, I realized not everything has to be complicated.
There isn't always some big thing that's going to roll around the corner and run me down, not everyone that knows me is against me, smiling will make the day a better day and if there's something on your mind, just say it. Because worrying about it, having it keep you up at night is not worth it.

"Your a safe, I haven't figured out the combination yet"
"I just need time"
"are you getting there"
"yeah"
"me too."

I can't fight it

2011-01-24T20:40:00.000-08:00

I lie awake at night, starring at the ceiling,
how many nights over the years have I spent like this.
The walls know more about me than most people in my life,
they hold me in, keep every last one of my secrets.
I can't sleep alone in the dark, but the buzz from my lights makes me restless most nights, I know I should get up and do something, occupy my mind
but it's so hard when the blankets are begging me to stay, covered up, hidden.

I guess this is just me missing your face beside mine on the pillows most nights.
I keep thinking you're lying beside me in the morning, and honestly, that is the worst feeling in the world, because after those two seconds of bliss, after rolling over and remembering you aren't there, my whole day goes down the drain
and I'm not even out of bed yet.

cliche

2011-01-16T10:18:00.000-08:00

When you grab a hold of me, tell me that I'll never be set free.
I'm a parasite, creep and crawl I step into the light
Two pints of booze, tell me are you a badfish too?

Just rolling around laughing, making fun of each other
Making one another smile, that's my favorite.
Missing spending every night curled up on the couch together.
Best at doing nothing together.

Cheering you up and hearing you laugh,
Walking around and pushing each other into snow banks,
Listening to music for hours on end,
Finally falling asleep beside you, exhausted.

A Day To Remember - Heartless (Re-Released)

2011-01-10T10:12:00.000-08:00

2011-01-04T12:40:00.000-08:00

you think you're gonna chill in your dark ass kitchen alone? no.

I fucking miss you. it's been the hardest three months of my life.

Christmas night

2010-12-25T14:09:00.000-08:00

another Christmas has come and gone, it was kind of disappointing.
I got sick after opening presents and went to fall asleep for a while, my mother just scoffed at me and they all left for the dinner without me.
So here I am sitting at home alone on Christmas,listening to music and thinking back to last year.

Last year, things were different.
But it's funny, because I though I knew exactly where I was in life and looking back, I really had no idea. I figured I was strong and tall and had everyone I needed, as if I could do anything.
Really I was sitting down, waiting for the world to open up it's arms to me. waiting to be let in, waiting to be missed, waiting for things that I thought I already had.

"Nothing gold can stay"
You are all the brightest stars in the sky, and not just my sky.
You are all loved and beautiful, inside and out.
I wish I could have been better, for you, for me.
I hope you're all having a great Christmas spending it with people you love
and people who love you.
Annie, Kat and Nick, I hope you get all the happiness I know you so much deserve.
Love you all, merry Christmas.

Makes Me Think - MMT #11690

2010-12-23T18:07:00.000-08:00

Makes Me Think - MMT #11690

give it all

2010-12-21T11:40:00.001-08:00

happy but Nervous, anxious, worrying, sighing, waiting.
It's making missing you so much worse.

how's it going to be?

2010-12-21T01:05:00.000-08:00

I don't know
I don't know
I honestly don't have an answer for you.

What I can say is my heart exploded, every stitch unravelling
Letting you in, every fucking chance I have <3

Smiles and worries and nervous tweekings but we'll get to it, soon.

This note

2010-12-16T13:53:00.000-08:00

You have no idea how many times I'm folded.
once for every person
I've ever loved
I've hurt
I've ever walked away from
for every someone who's walked away from me
who let go
who I let go
who I hide
who I helped shine.

Folded into myself, so tightly I can't crawl out from the creases.
They hold me, they won't let me out.
This piece of paper with every inch of my soul written upon it.
I stumble around in the words, trip over the meaning.
Every bone in my body, covered in ink.
Every inch of my skin, covered in you.
In all of you.

It's okay with me

2010-12-16T13:52:00.000-08:00

i am a man that does not have a way.
millions of oceans can show me, you say.
we still run around like there's no better way,
and i don't stay.

so last night when you threw the glass on the wall,
you realized the end would be following.
you don't say what you mean when you need me to go.
so just know...

out on the highway in the desert unknown.
i'll find a way to get back to you, though.
i still run around like i don't have a home
cause even when i'm around, i've got no place to go.

and i know i'm not what you need,
but it's okay--yeah it's okay with me.

so how can i tell you i need you to stay?
i've done it before, it don't mean anything.

and i still wait around to see if they'll let me go
through heaven's doors, alone.

and i know i'm not what you need,
but it's okay--yeah it's okay with me.
yeah i realize it is settling,
but it's okay--yeah it's okay with me.
i'm not who i've led you to believe,
but it's okay--yeah it's okay with me.
yeah i realize it is settling,
but it's okay--yeah it's okay with me.
because you're the thing that makes settling,
so i'm okay with me, if you're okay with me.
cause i know you're not what i need,
but you're okay with me, yeah you're okay with me.

yeah you're okay with me.

2010-12-14T12:39:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I forget you aren't just for me.
That there is an entire world of people out there,
waiting for you.
wanting you.
But not the way I wait,
not the way I want you.

You know that moment in the middle of the night when you wake up and all you want is that one person lying beside you, tangled in covers, knotted with your body?
yeah.
That moment has broken my heart all over again more times than I can count.

October nights

2010-12-12T11:30:00.000-08:00

Light will creep in soon
And I still haven't slept a wink, baby yeah yeah yeah
I wish the sun would hide its head
So I could watch you dream some more
Wished the sun would hide its head
So I could watch you dream some more

I wanna watch you dream some more
I wanna watch you dream some more

I wanna watch you dream some more
I wanna watch you dream some more, girl
Wanna watch you dream some more
I wanna watch you

I wanna watch you dream some more (Drifting off to sleep)
I wanna watch you dream some more, girl
I wanna watch you dream some more (Watch you dream some more)
I wanna watch you

Tear me off a piece of blanket
keep me warm and we can make it
Here's my heart, I'll let you break it
Touched your skin

October Nights -Taking Back Sunday

Father is no name you deserve.

2010-12-11T16:48:00.000-08:00

You know what, what little effort you all showed us today, is far too late to make even the smallest difference in my life.

You, I can't even believe it.
I was standing beside you, waiting, for a good 30 seconds for you to turn to me, when you finally did I got a half asses one arm around the shoulder
"Hi kailey, uhh meaghan."
"Kailey dad, Kailey."
I even went up to Lala and said hello to her, she seemed more pleased to see me then you did.
He didn't even dare say hello to "Meaghan".

Oh what, granny won't come say hello to me because she's scared?
she fucking well should be, it's 10 years and not one phone call, not a letter, nothing.
You should be scared to talk too me.
Grampa, do you even know who I am? Remember either of our names?
Good for you guys, you get your grandson back, no effort for us? fine.
so yeah, you had a right to be scared.

At what point do you stop remembering what your children look like?
When did you forget my eyes were brown and Meg's are green?
Did you remember my birthday this week? of course you did, because it means you don't have to send money anymore.
round of fucking applause.

Did you forget all those Saturdays at Mount Royal?
What about the time you had a seizure and I was looking down at you from the top of the staircase?
Do you remember the joy in my face when I came home and you were out of the hospital for the first time in 3months?
Do you remember the pain in my face when you left that same night because you got mad at mum? No you don't because you left without telling me where you were going, You came back two days later.

I expected nothing from you, from your parents or from Brendan today
Brendan surprised me a little, You did not.

2010-12-11T16:41:00.000-08:00

I keep re-reading things and remembering things and wishing and praying and crying
and breaking down.

The first thought that comes to mind is "FUCK YOU."
fuck you all over again and then I remember it's dealt with, it's done, I'm fine.
Thank you very much for coming, I hope to see you soon.

Then I think how different everything would be. How wonderful and beautiful the world would still seem all of the time, even in the dead of winter, sanctuary.

Then I feel, and I feel this in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my heart, in every inch of my body....
that all of it fell apart, because of me.
Sure, there was other factors, but we were dealing with them, getting by and laughing while doing it.
I'm sorry I tore it all down after we worked so hard to keep it built up.

I hope that when I see you again, I can tell you the sad story of what I broke with a heartwarming ending of us all together again.

"Haven't the things that have hurt you the most stemmed from desire?"

Maybe I'm not meant to be a good person.
Maybe I can't do that.
I've try and I keep trying
But it seems I just go back, back to being fucking selfish.
Back to wanting all the beauty, all the love, all the things I've never had.
I know this is wrong, and believe me when I say I am trying.
because I am.

birthday

2010-12-08T14:48:00.000-08:00

It wasn't such a bad birthday when I look at the night in whole.
We laughed a lot, drank a lot and used very little common sense.

We all ended up at another of my friend's apartments not far from my place, we had a bottle of maple whiskey and a bottle of Jagger.
(That was after the two 4L pitchers, 7 shots of Jagger and 3 shots of JD.)

I guess up until this point I was doing a perfectly good job at ignoring it.
Fating to pretend.
But the moment I was alone in the bathroom, standing in the mirror, I felt like shit.
Not drinking shit, just shit.
I re read the message from Kat and wondered how I was suppose to answer her.
I re red the messages to and from Annie and wondered where I'm suppose to go with this now.

I'm sorry our plans don't work, I really am because I truly, truly miss you everyday.
Every time I walk past the store on my way to class I look up and hope to see you in the window.
I just can't stand the fact that you think I'm ditching you or something.
I'm sorry if our time tables with each other are all fucked up,
I'm sorry I've been so absent but I'm not trying to be.
When you sent me that text I was lying in bed and all I could do was think to myself
Kat's gonna walk out that door too.
I'm sorry I always have to be somewhere, do something, see someone
but it's a fucking hectic time right now, for everyone.
I don't even know what's going on with you lately and I wish I did.
I'm gonna keep trying, I'm gonna try harder.
please don't walk out that door.
You are my girl Kat, I need you in my life.

Now I don't know where we stand anymore.
I told you that both of you deserved to be there. because you both did.
I'm not gonna pick one or other, I can't do it.
For two months now I've been deciding is this worth it
if I do this, then will it fix anything now?
well the point is, the damage is done.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Those words don't have any meaning to you do they?
okay I fucked up, but the fact is that if you look at it from my point of view,
from my perspective.
Remember the train station.
"everything is gonna be okay <3"
I fucking cried to you because I said that without you two, I would be so fucked.
It's still true.
I can't do one or the other, I'm sorry but it's not in me to give up another person in my life.
so that said, I don't know where you and me stand right now.
But I can tell you this, no matter mad you get/ are, I will keep trying.
I will keep saying sorry until it means something.
I will keep telling you all the beautiful things you deserve to hear
I wish you could be hearing it from someone who wasn't so broken,
I wish you could hear it from someone who didn't play a part in breaking you,
but this is what I have now.
this is all I got,
but you can have it all.
all three of you.
I'm sorry if there isn't enough, I'm sorry that I'm not enough.

So with all of this running through my mind and alcohol pumping in my veins
I made myself sick.
I picked myself up off the floor after a while and went outside.
Justin met me outside and I tried so hard to hide that I was crying.
I didn't want him to know why I was crying.
all I could do was pace drunkenly back and forth and try to keep myself calm.
I'm sorry okay, I have no other words.

downward spiral

2010-12-08T14:34:00.000-08:00

now just pieces of glasses on the floor.
picked up thrown and looked down upon.
Did you really have to break every other little pieces of me?
I was only cracked, maybe a little chipped around the edges.

Your reflection shines back at you in those millions of little pieces
those little pieces of me.
You want to pick them up, put me back together.
But you cut your hand trying.
Are you scared of a little blood, darling?

Here I am, irreplaceable.
Here you are, wondering if that's true.
Maybe you'll just walk out the door and find someone who wasn't cracked,
wasn't chipped.
They could be a little dirty, but you'll clean them off.
That's what you've lead me to believe.

So is that it then?
both broken, both lonely, bothn longing for each other.
But you're not gonna forget how I cut you when you tried to help.
How could you even imagine forgetting such a vile thing.
I can't forget how I cut you
But i'm just as broken as you are.
It's as if, I don't even matter.
You say you know that feeling,
don't try and tell me that I don't.

I will hold you to this.

2010-11-26T16:49:00.000-08:00

But my point is, we're gonna continue where we left off. And I'm gna give u somethin to smile about...

always.okay? always.

How's it going to end.

2010-11-23T20:46:00.000-08:00

You went for a walk that day,
feels like you never really came back.
Maybe you just left me outside the door,
waiting on the front stoop until you realize I'm not in your bed.
I've built a life out of being forgotten
I've made myself into someone beautiful to be around
It's all in my head.
It's all in my head.

The smoke is running up my fingers, I press the cigarette to my lips and breathe.
breathe breathe breathe.
I'm watching the sidewalks but they won't let me change.
I've got to follow them, the same way I did yesterday.
Take a few steps, look around, I'm still here.
If the smoke is running so can I.
But the streetlight is red, what can I do but sit here and wait.
I'm breathing I'm breathing I'm breathing.
Maybe you're back home by now, maybe you're afraid and all alone.
I turn on dime, on the back of my heels.
I pick up my legs, I raise my head and I run.
Are you thinking of those days we spent together to keep you company?
I'm thinking of that time we walked down the street and I caught you when you slipped.
I can't feel my chest rising, are you breathing for me?
I've been breathing for you since the moment you closed that door,
since the moment you let the world get to you.
I am your lungs. I am the hands we hold.
grasping at anything to hold onto when we aren't near one-another.
I'm where home once was, but the door is open, the rooms are empty.
you're not coming home tonight are you?

It's okay, take your time.
I'll be waiting on the front stoop until you're ready to crawl into bed.
I'm beautiful I'm beautiful
don't forget me.

2010-11-21T21:24:00.001-08:00

I felt you in my life before I even thought to
Felt the need to lay down beside you and tell you
I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you

- I wrote this for you

2010-11-17T21:34:00.000-08:00

Then I was somewhere else, and it was bright. A voice said

"If you'd carried on practicing that song you almost got right, you would've been great. Bigger than the Beatles."

It continued

"If you'd carried on working on that book you almost finished, it would've changed the lives of many, many people."

Then it said

"If you'd tried to reach the one you loved just a little bit more, when you almost had them, your life would've been completely different."

And I asked

"Is this what happens when I die?"

And the voice said

"Almost."

http://www.iwrotethisforyou.me/

2010-11-17T21:28:00.001-08:00

I can't fucking stand this.
This fucking bipolar shit, the moods swings and breathing problems.
I just hate that every time I'm feeling good,
every time I tell someone I'm holding up,
They ask a stupid question or mention what's already taken over me.
Do you really think I wanna talk about it?
Did you actually think before those words came out of your mouth?

I'm tired.

2010-11-14T20:46:00.000-08:00

You didn't give a fuck when the pain was mine.
You actually threw yourself into it just to make it worse.
I'm not going to do that to you
but I have zero compassion or the least bit of caring for anything that goes wrong in your life.

oh hey look at that, Karma came back to punch you in the face :)

breathe in, breathe out

2010-11-13T20:25:00.000-08:00

just like YA KNOW?
yeah, you know.
<3
god dammit. I can't even believe you.
you're fucking amazing.
I can't even comprehend it.
It's just complete and total need and want for each other
not in a weird "I am completely dependent of you" way
but in a "you're an amazing person and I can never, ever, let you go" way.

we've got shit to sort out,
we are far from being okay
but it's the small moments when we are okay together that are getting me by.

You make me so fucking happy.
and I'm such a fucking idiot.
but just YA KNOW.

weight of the world

2010-11-13T13:29:00.000-08:00

"It almost looks like the sun is coming up...almost"
I could have stood out there all morning.
3 am, stars in a bright sky, smoking with you.

Everything was there for us to enjoy.
It's all there just to be enjoyed.

The sun is coming up.
it's coming up.
it's coming up.
You're making the sun come up.

Homesick

2010-11-11T13:05:00.001-08:00

kissing your skin to leave traces of all the things my lips couldn't spill

I saw you in my sleep

2010-11-09T19:14:00.000-08:00

There's one picture of you that always stays with me.
The funny thing is when you took that picture, I wasn't such a big part of your life.
we barely knew each other.

I don't know why it stuck with me but it did.
You're lying in the grass and all the purple flowers had just come out.|
I love that picture because of the way you are smiling.
I remember commenting on it and saying "You've got a beautiful smile girly <3"
If only I knew how many times I would think of that picture to this day...

I dreamed I was laying beside you on the blanket of flowers.
we weren't doing anything or saying anything
just laying there.
It was nice to breathe for a while, even if it was only a dream...

Stumble Upon

2010-11-02T21:49:00.001-07:00

Stop buying unnecessary things.

Toss half your stuff, learn contentedness.

Reduce half again.

List 4 essential things in your life,

stop doing non-essential things.

Do these essentials first each day, clear distractions

focus on each moment.

Let go of attachment to doing, having more.

Fall in love with less.

2010-10-29T11:20:00.001-07:00

I could have believed in you, had you given me more time.
Had I been able to grow up without you hanging over my head.
well done.
Father's no name you deserve.

2010-10-26T22:05:00.000-07:00

GODDAMMIT I LOVE YOU.
I CAN'T WAIT TO BE WITH YOU AGAIN. I'M COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS.
i'm ready to do WHAT FUCKING EVER to fix this in time <3
you are the best
you are my heart
you are my life
my sun
my universe
my everything I could ever ask for
and everything I ever needed.
you are amazing.
end of conversation.
please don't forget me <3
my babygirl, the love of my life, my one and only.

give me a call if your okay.

2010-10-26T20:23:00.000-07:00

you are the blood in my veins. the smell before rain.
I fucking love you.
I fucking miss you.
please come back to me someday, you know I can't do this without with you.
I cry every time I think of you.
please please breathe and be okay, breathe and have an amazing life.
I wish I could be here there for you.
I wish you could come over and sit and chain smoke with me.
I can't even drink coffee without you.
I FUCKING LOVE YOU.
above all else, please know that.
I want to be able to be yours forever.

you are my sunshine...

2010-10-21T19:57:00.001-07:00

I've ruined it.
Broken what built me up.

I don't know why I do the things I do.
I don't know why I chucked my coffee on the ground.
I was disgusted with myself.
Sitting there in front on you,
Head in my hands, crying with a broken heart.
You put your hand on my leg and I felt so much worse.
Your touch felt good, and usually makes everything stop.
But I felt worse because I knew it was wrong, because I knew you shouldn't have been trying to make me feel better.
I broke you down, I fucking tore us apart and you still tried to make me feel better!
what the fuck goes on in my head, why can't I make the changes I need.
Turning point.
Turning point.
Turning fucking point.
The world has stopped spinning, my sun doesn't shine and I can't even breathe.
what's more of a problem is that You can't breathe.
So it's come to this.
So definitely not now
Probably not soon
but
please please please
not forever.
I'm going to camp tomorrow, I want to go sit in the back field.
I wanna chain smoke with you.
I wanna chase stupid animals and sit there crying beside you again.
You've got this huge part of me, hidden away in you.
It's hurts but keep me there. I'm begging you.

"I wish love was enough"
I love you so much, It's the only thing I can offer you.
I took everything else and fucked it up.

8 YEARS

2010-10-17T22:11:00.000-07:00

In grade 3 there was this girl in my class that I didn't like, I didn't know why, there was just something about her. In grade 4 I disliked her even more. In grade 5 we actually became good friends, by grade 6 we were in inseparable.
Marie-Josee is the person I've had in my life since everything started to matter.
I was telling Justin how excited I was to see her on Saturday because I hadn't seen her since the winter, it turns out, he'd met her 2 years back.
Honestly, that blew my mind.
It seems silly but to me it made everything seem so much smaller, so much more controlled. Like everything will end well.
I mean c'mon, two of the people I cherish most already met without me in the picture?
That's not a coincidence.

The story behind Marie is that, I guess I was afraid to be her friend, to let her in, when I was younger because maybe I realized how attached I could get to her, how vulnerable I could be because of hear. Honestly those two qualities make our friendship. It's been 8 years now, obviously, we are attached.
we have been to hell and back holding each others hands.
I remember we got in a fight over her nirvana shirt, I lost it somewhere in my house.
We didn't talk for at least 7 months, it was so horrible not being able to even talk to each other. Eventually we just forgot about it and moved on. thank god.
I found the shirt maybe 2 months ago, I laughed so hard. It seemed so silly to give up my other half for a fucking shirt!
So now we see each other a few times a year, we make time to see each other despite everything in our lives.

So Saturday I met her downtown and we went to an art gallery in the plateau. I met her boyfriend there and honestly I was a little worried when she told me his age, but he's a great person and I know he's good for her.
We discussed art and went strolling around the city, we smoked and talked about life and everything that's happening. It felt good to be able to talk to someone so neutral, so out of everything that I know right now.
We went to a thrift store where they give you free coffee or tea and you can just sit on piles of clothes drinking all day long.
It was amazing to see her face, every time I see her she's closer to becoming the amazing person she's gonna be one day.
This girl gives me hope.

2010-10-15T11:42:00.000-07:00

If you ever felt Alone.
If you ever felt rejected.
If you ever felt confused.
If you ever felt lost.
If you ever felt anxious.
If you ever felt wrong
If you ever felt wronged
If you ever felt unclean
If you ever felt angry
If you ever felt ashamed
If you ever felt curious
If you ever felt used
Be prepared to feel Revenge
Feel the romance
My brutal romance
My beautiful romance
My miserable romance
My X-rated romance
My harlequin romance

2010-10-15T11:36:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and thought
it's raining, that's okay.
Look who crawled into bed next to me this morning, that's nice.
It's 1 and I'm still in bed, that's great.
There's already coffee, life is pretty sweet.
& then I fell back from everything.
Waking up in the morning is great
It's the rest of the day I hate, mostly...

I'm scared to death.

2010-10-13T20:50:00.000-07:00

You know when you meet someone and you think "how did i ever live without them"
and then you get to know them and it becomes " I could never live without you"?
I've felt that way about a few people in my life,
my first best friends I had in high school, My sister who leaves in Germany, my grand-father, my brother when he ran, when he came back and when he left, the three girls I use to spend everyday with. But none of them are here anymore and I'm still breathing. I didn't think I would get through losing those people, but I did.
Then, just about a year ago, I met the people I consider my life. then a few months later, nick left.
God that was fucking hard.
I don't know how long Annie stayed in bed with me, she made me eat when I hadn't done so in days, got me good and TRASHED when I needed to be and gave me all the love she had, without asking for anything in return. This girl came to fucking camp with me, she put up with the bullshit and the drama, just so that we could enjoy some peace, some beauty, in the small moments we got together.
This is the person who has giving me everything. She trusted me with all of herself and
I fucking let her down.
I fucking dissapointed her.
I hurt her.
She told me to be happy, To take what I need. We're still here, we're always gonna be us.
God knows you love someone when they let you keep what is breaking they're heart.
Am I suppose to let her let me have this? No I shouldn't. It's out of the question.
The question shouldn't even exist.
But that question is the one that has been inside my head the whole time.
Isn't that clear enough for you Kailey? Should I scream at myself to understand?

You don't have the keys to my place anymore. That what hurt most and it hurt when you told me and it hurt on the bus ride home and it hurt when I sat down and it's hurting and hurting and hurting.
I wanna crawl into bed with you, hide from everything and everyone.
But you can't come home, can you? I'm sorry I took so much from you,
I've taken way to much from you.

I would say all kinds of beautiful things to let you know how much you mean to me,
but you know, I hope you know.
But I think the best way to say it is
I love you
I care about you
I miss you
I'm scared to death about losing you, If you leave I can't breathe.
you are my lifeline.

I need air. I think too much.

2010-10-12T21:18:00.000-07:00

I've been quiet when it comes to one on one time with someone.
I just don't feel the need to fill comfortable silence with useless words.
Not that I don't talk a lot, I do, about random shit but I really do love just sitting quietly with someone, that always seemed to be enough for me.

but if I get quite, If I don't say anything for while people think something's wrong.
The truth is I do most of my thinking when I'm having a conversation.
I can't sit in my room, all alone, and figure out how to deal with something,
It's just not in me.
I can on the other hand sit in silence and replay moments in my head
over think every word and little movement someone made.
I can dwell in my own head, live there for a while just to realize I'm not all that happy there. I know that's wrong, that I should be able to deal with my shit when I'm alone but I can't do it.
I use to try a lot, but it's so exhausting.

Then again I don't usually solve things in the best way, I can never say exactly how I feel to someone, no matter how many times i practice it in my head.
I'm always watching my words and holding myself back.
It's weird because I've never had to edit myself around people before.
Maybe this is a whole new turning point...
God I'm tired of those.
I just want things to calm for a while. I spend my days laughing with my best friends and being tangled up on my couch but that's not the kind of calm I mean.
I mean
no "dealing with it later"
no pushing things back
or avoiding situations.
I guess this whole thing is about how I need to take on more responsibility in my life, to just do what I need to and move on to something better.
I have to learn how to deal with myself alone...
should I really be dealing with myself at all? I've gotten over so many things that I didn't/ don't like about myself, but this always holds me back.
It holds me back and then I run, like I ran to camp this summer.
& it doesn't get dealt with, because I still don't like the idea of it.

whatever. regular Tuesday night.

i love you both.

2010-10-10T21:33:00.000-07:00

"I love you both, I know I'm drunk but I mean it"

My head keeps going in the same circles over and over.
I don't know what to say, to either.
I'm not handling this properly but sometimes I think I am.
It seems so easy until I'm face to face,
I forget ,what minutes before, I pulled up all my courage to say.
I know what I should be saying, I know what I shouldn't be doing.
but I'm not saying it and I keep going.
what the hell is wrong with me?

I feel like I deserve this, that I should be able to keep this,
at least for a little while.
But I know that the person I love most with my whole entire heart and soul,
the person who turns my world and holds my entire universe,
does not deserve what it's doing to her.

what the fuck am I doing?
I know the answer in my head but I can't bring myself to let it out....

we are still together in this.

2010-10-05T10:31:00.000-07:00

You know no one's leaving you behind.
You are fucking loved and missed.
Everything's just a mess right now

I sorry if I've done something to make you think I don't miss you
or that I don't want to talk to you.
Because I really really do.
I think you're the greatest person to watch scary movies with :)
I love you
please please please
don't feel left out.
Things will get better, I promise.

Truth is the last thing I can take because it's the last thing they took.

2010-09-29T18:50:00.000-07:00

Everything is kind of good and kind of horrible at the same time.
I can enjoy the things that make me happy all day
but everything gets turned into a different story depending on who I'm talking to.
It's bizarre having so many things happening in one situation.

On another note...
It's getting closer to November and honestly,
I have no idea what to expect anymore.
It's gonna be one full year on november 21 that I've been here.
I'm dreading and looking forward to looking back.

Come around - rosi golan

2010-09-24T21:32:00.000-07:00

Like sunlight, won’t you come and lay a ray down? You’re the one.
I could run, I could run for the life of me.
But where would that get me? Where would that lead?

And I’m a fool for waiting so long

Come around come around come around come around to me
There’s something in between you and I come around come around to me
You feel like breathing, Come around come around come around come around to me

Can’t you see? You’re my life line

2010-09-21T16:16:00.000-07:00

Going through the motions.
Motions that are tired and lonely and not at all what I want.

bilrjbgebgkwe.qkh

2010-09-15T16:09:00.000-07:00

i don't give a fuck

apparently, that's the kind of face i have in class.
My teachers have told me to change my attitude because of it.
excuse me for being the only person who comes in everyday to do work, and actually understand it.
They can't actually think that I will sit in a room full of idiots,smiling.
And what about the fact that maybe, I have other shit going on
and I'm just not a happy person right now.

straight up, fuck you.
they told me I'm too smart to be there, so just let me finish my classes and leave.

2010-09-13T16:30:00.000-07:00

UGH.
I am pissed off about so many fucking things right now.
Most of all it's just the fact that it's September 13th again...

and I'm sitting here alone.
for the fifth day in a fucking row.
fuck you.

The places I go become the places we’ve been, the places we kissed, the places we laughed.

2010-09-07T12:39:00.000-07:00

I needed you to walk around that corner, and even though I know you couldn't, I'm angry that you didn't.

Sometimes it feels nice, to hang on to it, let it linger for as long as it needs too.
then it just goes away.Sometimes you're just tearing at the seams where my body and soul meet, restless inside my heart.

But my decision is that I'll constantly send love and light your way, no matter what is happening, because I know you do the same for me.

It doesn't matter, it just doesn't matter.
There are no circumstances for this kind of thing,
no rules or regulations, nothing says I'm not allowed to be okay with hurting sometimes.
and nothing says that sometimes, I can't stand the though of hurting over this.

Write it on the skyline

2010-08-25T18:37:00.000-07:00

"there is always something you can do at any given point."

In simple terms, this is true.
If you wanted too you could get on a plane right now
kiss the person you miss most in the universe
try to make amends with old friends and fix the broken communication
you can get up and walk out on everything you just can't handle anymore.

Where it gets complicated is the how, where, when.
If I could do, I would do all these things right now, but I haven't got the money for the plane tickets and I can't walk across the sea to kiss them, I haven't got the strength to walk away from the good things keeping me some what together threw all the bad, I don't have the mind to forgive old friends who fucked up( yet ).

One day it's all going to happen, and in the meantime there's always something I can do but it's just not what I want yet.

2010-08-06T07:02:00.000-07:00

I'm begging the universe, pleading on my knees
Trying to pull the sun out of the sky, trying to stop the world from turning.
It's slowing down already but it's not the way I wanted it.
no no no no, please.

Tanned legs in a purple dress

2010-08-02T14:18:00.000-07:00

My legs felt like they would never stop
like they didn't want to stop, ever.
It's than I realize why I'm camp,
why I love being there.
But the moment I go back I know all the shit is gonna start up again.
Three fucking days, three fucking days and I'm back.
Back to tree's
early morning sun
warm coffee in the cold morning
lying in rovers watching the stars
playing tackle in the back field
singing "rise and shine" at chapel, and laughing my ass off the whole time.

I want to get back to work work work and play play play
fuck all the drama, i'm just not dealing with it anymore.
I'm going for me, for annie, for the people I love there and the great times I have there.
nothing more
nothing less.

I'm still missing you when I'm beside the water in the morning
and you're not there...

2010-07-27T20:44:00.000-07:00

Holy fuck.
I saw you this week, I didn't realize how much it hurt
Until I started shaking, getting sick from the pain in my heart.

what the fuck happened with us?
why did I fuck it all up?

Every time I look out on the lake, I think of you.

Canary cottage to flying post

2010-07-24T21:30:00.001-07:00

12:06 am.
The screen door slams behind me as I walk out.
From light to dark in one motion.
I make my way down the slope, it's a shortcut to the road.
I walk quietly passed the cottages so I don't disturbed anyone,
the beach looks calm and quiet. beautiful.
I walk past it quickly, I can't be there at night.
Every time I walk past the beach and the ecology center, all I remember is waking up in those spots years ago when I was camper.
Tell me what you know about night terrors, nothing.
I don't have a flashlight, I never do, what's the point when the moon is so bright?
that god damn moon, the same every night. always reminding me of....everything.
I stop in beaver meadow, sit on the fence we built years ago.
I sit and I stare up. you forget how many stars there is sometimes.
I jump off and walk quickly to site, no feelings hit me yet because I'm nervous walking down the only dark road in camp.
I'm not afraid of falling, I know every rock, root and hole by now.
I make it to my hammock, crawl into my sleeping bag and try to avoid what comes next.
I can stare out the mesh and look at the lake, it's amazing.
water.mist.stars.
It looks like I'm floating at the end of the universe from my point of view.
Everything flows over me, gets under my skin I lie awake for hours before actually falling alseep.

I don't ever want to think again some nights, it's just too much.
I don't even know what to say about it or how to explain what goes on in my thoughts.

I wrote your name on my hand but it washed off in the rain.

2010-06-26T20:18:00.000-07:00

Any little mention of anything that could possibly make me think of you,
and I instantly feel the need to run.
When I miss you the most I just sit, really quiet, for as long as it takes.
You come and go like waves in an endless sea.

2010-06-25T22:35:00.000-07:00

so what's the plan?
where do we go from here?
Listen, fuck left and right, up or down.
We can go anywhere we want, do you hear what I'm saying?
Should I speak up because no one is moving,
I can't even hear breathing, no heart beats pounding beneath what we think we are.
what the fuck is going on?
c'mon C'MON let's go, let's FUCKING go.

I can never listen to what I tell myself.

Why the fuck are you just sitting there?
You're miserable, so is the rest of the world. So many people have it so much worse than you. Realize it.
I don't understand what happened to you, you used to stand up
stand up and scream!
WHY AREN'T YOU ANGRY, DON'T YOU FEEL WHAT I'M FEELING, DOES ANYONE FUCKING FEEL THIS?!

Maybe we don't all have something bigger and better waiting for us.
Maybe some of us just work and try and breakdown and get back up and work and try and breakdown and get back and work and try and breakdown breakdown breakdown
for no reason.
I can't tell if everyone here, has a purpose, a calling, a friend or a lover in the world.
Is it possible that we're taking each breath in and letting each breath out, to do only that for the rest of our lives?
We've got to try and leave a mark on this earth just so people can know
"hey I was here and I was alive and I was loved"
but how do you do that?
How do you change the way people think about you when all you've done so far is work and try and breakdown and get back up and work and try and breakdown and get back and work and try and breakdown breakdown breakdown.

I don't think I'll ever be anyone else than
"little hennegan" "Meaghan's sister" "Brendan's sister" "Tim's daughter"
It's fucking stupid.
I can't tell if there is more for me out there, I haven't been around the world, but how far do you have to go to gain the wisdom you need to truly LIVE.
I've got a soul and a heart and a brain.
I've got fire inside, it's burning everything, it's all mine.
So with this I am wise, but I am young.
I am UN-recognizably fucked up.

2010-06-23T22:52:00.000-07:00

2010-06-23T22:02:00.000-07:00

I keep spacing out
making scenarios in my head
I've been doing that too much lately.

Writing a different play in my head every few minutes.
Changing the way I act, the way people react.
I find ways to fit people into everything like puzzle pieces.
I don't know why,
I guess because nothing is fitting properly anymore.
I don't like the way my words fall off my tongue
the way my hair just touches my shoulder,
I hate the way my clothes touch my body.
It's all too much or never enough.

I hate when this happens because I feel the need to start everything over,
the problem is that I'm already in the middle of that process.
I can't stand this feeling.
It's like I'm drowning, at any moment I could just swim up and gasp for air, but for some reason I stay under.
It's familiar, I'm weightless.
I no longer exist when I'm underneath every wave of emotion.
Dramatic, probably. It doesn't matter.
The fact is that I'm under all that water and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

2010-06-16T08:51:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of this going on.
I really am, and I'm positive that you are as well.
We both want the other to understand and just fuck off about it.
You don't know how our relationship went
so don't say it was all about the anger he had with you and your situation.
because it wasn't, it was about us.
You weren't a part of Montreal, or anything that happened here.
And I'm sorry but just because you were apart physically doesn't mean you weren't apart in everything else.
I was not a replacement for you, I mean something different to him that you.

I know a small amount of the intensity of the relationship between you and him
and I can tell you, what we had may not have been as intense but it was real and there were feelings involved.
Don't deny what was real between two people just because you don't like it.
I understand the anger and hurt, I do, but if you understand the things he does,
than leave this alone.

Don't start attacks on my personal life, because you don't know anything about it, you only the small part of what happened over a number of months.
Don't tell me what I deserve, because I know I deserve so much more than I'm getting.
I don't care how that sounds because it's true.

2010-06-15T16:58:00.001-07:00

Read this or don’t, I don’t give a fuck

I realize and understand the situation.
I don’t make assumptions I ask questions and get answers.
I know we’re not meant to be, and that’s fine because I got to share some really great times in my life with someone awesome.
Attacking the part of my life when he was involved, whatever I get that.
But don’t ever assume you know anything else about me or my life because of snippets you read here and there.
I don’t fucking assume anything, I think you’re a really big bitch but that’s just my personal opinion. I don’t go trashing on your life or what kind of things your going through.
So you, can just go fuck yourself.
Because Karma is going to realize how vindictive and vengeful and selfish you are,
and punch you square in the face.
I didn’t think you were a bad person until you started seriously bashing my shit.
I don’t give a fuck about you or what you think, but I won’t get fucking walked on.

30 days of letters/ Day 1 — Your Best Friend

2010-06-09T19:35:00.000-07:00

1 letter everyday for a different subject/person.
Very easy concept I believe.

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Honestly, I can't say much more than I love you.
I could write a novel on how much you mean to me but nothing will tell you how strongly I feel for you more than those three words.
You're beautiful inside and out, intelligent, funny, can always make me smile.
You always have a hug and smile for me, even if I don't really need it.
We can do nothing all day and still have the time of our lives.
You let me cry when I need to, and lately that's been a lot.
You always ask me how my day is going, you always make the effort to make sure we are together as much as possible.
Bad mood, good mood, I still think the sun shines out of your ass ( <3 )
I never could have imagined having someone like you, someone so special, so amazing, so pure and true, as my best friend.
I keep you close to heart, above all else.

(This isn't to just one person, it's to the people keeping me together; keeping me alive; keeping me laughing! YA'LL ARE THE BEST ALIVE OR DEAD.)

2010-06-03T19:50:00.000-07:00

I'll build you the moon.
We'll always have each other
I won't let anyone hurt you
I always want you to be a part of my life
I will never hurt you
I don't want you to disappear
I've got your back
You mean more to me than you know
We'll see each other soon
I miss you.
I love you.

If you don't mean what you say,
Then you should shut the fuck up.
Not one person who told me any of these things,
meant what they said or wanted me around for any longer than I was there.
I would rather be hurt by the truth then hurt by lies.

2010-06-01T15:49:00.001-07:00

I sincerely hope you aren't aware of how cold you're being.
I hope you realize it soon.
what the fuck man, you're fucking everything up.

la foire

2010-06-01T10:06:00.001-07:00

I hate carnivals.
I can't even look at them if I'm driving by.
No one understands when I look away.

I went to one with my father when I was young,
My stepbrother and stepsister really wanted to go,
I wanted to go home. I didn't want to be with them anymore.
We were at that carnival for hours and hours on end.
The whole time every time I would find my father I would cry to go home,
I would cry to call my mother,
I would cry and cry and he would just hug me and say
"No, you're having fun with Vicky aren't you?
and my stepsister would grab my hand and run off to do something else.
It was 12 by the time we left.

I got home at 1, the first thing I remember is pulling into the driveway
and noticing my grandparents car.
I have never seen my grandfather be so angry
or move to quickly to get me away, from anything.

I'm running out of options

2010-05-31T20:04:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I can do any differently.
They want me to change my entire life, again.
I moved away from the people and friends I love
I moved away from the memories and good times
and since then I've created so many more
that hold actual meaning and are worth everything to me.
I don't for one fucking second regret moving to Montreal because of the love i've found and shared in the short time I've been here.
But everyday I know that this place, apartment 8, in the room at the back of the apartment, just isn't where I'm suppose to be.

I don't know how to change this, I feel that whatever I suggest will just be rejected and result in more bullshit.
But in the end I think there's one suggestion I could make that just won't be refused.
Toronto. with my aunt and younger cousin.
It's been bouncing around my head for a while, because I know it's a place where my mother feels I would be "safe" as apposed to here.
There's very little stopping me, but it has a huge impact on my life.
What about these beautiful people that found me?
Would I be able to keep the physical distance for so long?
I know my going there would be temporary, only until my next birthday.
But already I'm going to be gone all summer, and that's starting to weigh in on me.
I don't want things to be different when I come back.
I know that going off to Toronto would be painful, one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I have to consider my options.

I'm not running from everything in Montreal,
I see this summer as giving myself time to work out my life.
It's a scary thought, because I know every tree will remind me of something I want to forget.
But at least I wouldn't be facing these memories boxed in by those four ugly ass walls.
So I'll give myself the summer, to relax and think clearly, do some serious grounding up by the fairy tree and spend as much time being covered in dirt and looking messy as I possibly can.
6 weeks of Tamaracouta is what I need, but if it isn't enough...
I have to leave for a while.

2010-05-31T06:24:00.000-07:00

I just got caught in the rain is all

concentrated on falling apart

2010-05-31T06:16:00.000-07:00

Even after every attempt to try and rid you from my bones,
you're still there somehow.
I'm angry.
I'm angry and I'm hurt.
There isn't a thing I can do about it, I just wish I didn't feel this way.
I wish I didn't take it all in anger, but right now that's all I have.
and that,
is truly sad.

I know some of the most beautiful people share there love with me,
but pieces are missing.
"You're so beautiful, and you deserve so much more than this.
I need you to know that, I really need you to know that."

2010-05-28T19:56:00.000-07:00

The second I turned away from the car I missed them.
I was standing alone at the four corners.
I don't know why but I started to cry, right there.
I didn't care how many people were sitting in the cars around me,
I was still all by myself.
Two motorcycles pulled up,
I couldn't stand being beside them,
I can't stand the popping of the engines.
I ran across the street, I ran all the up to the bus stop.
I had to slow down, catch my breath
I didn't though,
I kept running and running until I hit Westgate.
The pain in my side is the only thing that stopped me,
The car was already out front when I turned on the road for Annie's house.
I ran inside, grabbed my shit, took a deep breath and left.

The car ride was silent.
I watched the street lights repeat the same shadow
Over and over and over over and over.
I though about what I'm going to do.
I know it's not the right thing, I can never do the right thing.
I missed nick, simply because I wanted to be able to call him and just talk to him,
cry and feel okay about it.
I feel like shit.
It's always the point where everything is looking up,
I can see the sunrise peeking over the mountain
and then it gets dark again.
I'm back at the bottom and the sun has gone down.

Last thing about you.

2010-05-27T07:32:00.000-07:00

Vous devez surtout comprendre que la terre ne tourne pas autour de vous,
Il a toujour d'autre moitie de ma vie que vous ne comprenez pas.
Pour le dire plus s'implement,
j'men caliss de toi.
J'espere just que tu t'an tabarnak de moi.
Je sais que tu va lire sa avant de partire au travaille le soir,
sache que je mennuie de toi, je t'aime avec tout mon coeur
mais tu connais plus rien sur moi, sa parrait dans la facon d'on tu me parle.

six years, countless car rides, camping trips, broken bones,skateboarding down the 640, broken hearts, smiles, getting caught by cops, not getting caught by cops, burning half of your shed down, breaking my window and those nights we fell asleep beside each other in our sleeping bags.
It's just not there anymore, you just don't fucking get it.
It hurts me to give up on you, because once upon a time you would never have given up on me.

You've got a piece of me I can never take back
it's okay, I don't want it anyways.
"you'd be a mess if you didn't me"
"I'd be dead if I didn't have you."

who's in who's heart

2010-05-26T13:42:00.001-07:00

Fucking understand this;
no regrets, no apologies.
They was zero reason to say "No"

aren't you tired yet?
digging your way into people's lives in no way to live.
You're empty and sad and alone.
I don't feel bad, because all you want is pity.
For people to come running back,
for people to apologize when they haven't even made mistakes.
You don't get to decide how people feel or who gets into who's heart.

I know the poison you're playing with,
but that's just it,
You are the one playing with the poison.
Put it the fuck down, back the fuck away and get the fuck out.
wuava.

in the bright lights

2010-05-25T20:57:00.000-07:00

I remember kissing on every street corner in the rain with you
making wishes on the weeds that grew in the grass
getting tangled up and falling all over the place
pulling each other aside from the rest of the world for a a little while,
and a little while longer.
I remember drunken cartwheels in the middle of winter,
and when you lent me you scarf when I was cold.
you sneaking up on me when I was sitting in the statue.
I remember everything from the first day I met you,
until we said good bye at the airport.

Saturday night I really though I was going to be miserable without you,
exploring the city without you beside me,
giving me kisses in the bright lights and in between the shadows.
but instead I remember writing in my phone notepad
(so that I really would NOT forget this.)
"I'm thinking about him and all I can feel is happiness. no matter how far, he's here with us anyway"

Now in my state of mind, this made sense, believe you me.
I can't feel that way all the time, it just doesn't work that way.
I miss falling asleep beside you in your chair, on your couch, in your bed.
But I think the fact that I could feel this way for even a little while,
is a good start in a long process.

I'm still not seeing the beauty in everything,
but it's helping that I can think of you and smile sometimes, instead of cry.
<3

2010-05-20T21:07:00.000-07:00

I can't fucking stand anything right now.
The food I eat, the clothes I wear, the music I listen to.
It's the same conversation with every single person.
It's all the same over and over again
breathe in breathe out
I can't feel my breath, I can't see my chest rising and falling.
I can walk for hours and not even realize I'm moving.

Everything is ugly.
For the first time, I've ceased to see the beauty around me.
It's just not there anymore.

I'm bothered by everything and everyone.
I don't know how I'm suppose to do this for the rest of my life...

the sparrow

2010-05-20T08:01:00.000-07:00

I was scared to fix what I had broke
It's a lonely place to live with just a ghost
There is love left in my life, I will see
But you still hurt me

2010-05-19T19:16:00.000-07:00

Nothing makes sense now
I honestly don't even know how to explain any of this.
Everything feels trapped.
I don't give a fuck if this wasn't IT,
this was fucking something and it fucking hurts.

I wanted to tell you so much when you left
but I was concentrating on your face
your eyes
your hands
your lips
I wanted to get lost in you one more time.
It was always enough just to be quiet with you...

I wish I never met you.
I wish I had known you were this special and just fucked off.

The lack of you is hitting me hard.

change

2010-05-18T20:15:00.000-07:00

i don’t understand how pictures never change,
but the people in them do.
how you can love one person so much,
but it can turn into anger so quickly.
how your best friend can become your worst enemy
or how strange it is when your worst enemy turns into your best friend.
how forever turns into a few short months that you’d do almost anything to get back.
how you can let go of something you once said you couldn’t live without.
how even though you know something is best for you,
it hurts just the same.
how the people who once wanted to spend every second with you,
think a few minutes of their time is too much time to spare.
how the smell of a person stays with you even when they’re gone.
how people make promises,
and bear their souls to someone
despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken.
how people can erase you from their lives
cause its just easier then working things out.
how it all just changes.

Build me the moon -charlotte sometimes

2010-05-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

half a world away

2010-05-17T20:44:00.000-07:00

It still doesn't feel okay.
I don't know how I'm suppose to be handling this.
I can smile and laugh and joke around,
but it's not coming as easy as it should.

I'll feel fine for a while.
Take a breath, take it in.
Let it be, whatever happens will happen.
I walked by your old apartment,
at first I didn't dare look up.
But I did, of course I did.
It was weird, being in that exact spot without you.
Hamad explained it differently
but sometimes the right thing and things that hurt are the same.

Everything's going to be alright,
how many times have we used that sentence in the last months?
a lot.

And when the mountains make me smile
They make me smile for quite sometime
I know I’ll be fine
But hey, I still miss you

And for now, I haven’t felt
A way to feel okay
And I know that, we all hail
To go our own ways
But hey, I still miss you

I hope you miss me too, in a good way.

you're not anything

2010-05-10T20:25:00.000-07:00

You're not anything
you're not worth a thing.

I'm not angry, or vengeful.
I'm hurt and sad and lost.
I'm an emotional wreck, whatever.

It's hard not knowing what may come,
but then again it's an adventure isn't it?
A pure rush of life in your veins,
fear and angst, wonder and lust for living.
But just for a moment, I'd like to feel alright, better than alright.
I want bliss.peace.happiness. Love for what is right there in front of me.

There's just times where I'll see something that should make me happy,
and it just ends up making me feel worse,
because it's not making me happy anymore.
Everything gets lost in my mind,
knotted together, weaved with words that should mean nothing,
mean remarks and sly little comments.

People don't realize that once you're thoughts are out, they can't go back in.
Either way,
You just annoy the living shit out of me, I can't hate you because I don't know you.
But people are just ideas in the end, and I absolutely hate the idea of you.
You're not fucking me up, I know that, don't think I'm that stupid,
and don't ever think you could affect me that much.
We both have our reasons for all of this.
But don't for a second think you can get away with what you're choosing to say about me.
I'm happy for you, now fuck off.

I'm a big girl, and I have a brave face to show the world.
I'm trying really hard to be happy,
I am trying, more than you can ever imagine.

In the shadows

2010-05-10T07:03:00.000-07:00

Things don’t make sense with you,
but ironically
I feel most at ease when I am around you.
I feel like we are in this continuous cycle:
You break me. You lift me back up.
Then allotted time passes…
then I see you again, and everything is right.
I’m finding that maybe, it’s better to love you from afar.

2010-05-02T13:14:00.001-07:00

We are all as much a part of you as you are a part of all of us.

we own right now

2010-05-01T17:47:00.000-07:00

I don't know anyone that does like we do,
and I know no one that does it any better.

We realize the time we have.
We have our moments but for the most part,
we use our time to smile and laugh and change the lives of people around us.

We are contagious.
We are the infection
and we are the cure.

We've created something no one can destroy,
not even us.
All of us have burned bridges along the way
we've all been destructive to ourselves or others,
in one or another.
That was before we happened to each other.
before all the good times and amazing memories.

So fuck it.
Fuck whatever has happened in the past.
this is what's happening.
We own right now.

letters to crushes

2010-04-28T08:38:00.000-07:00

petite girl.

seeing you this morning was like being on cloud 9. i've missed you so much. when am i going to stop being so stupid and just come right out and say i love you while we're flipping pancakes? i'm tired of being afraid. i'm tired of being introduced as your 'best friend.' change that to 'boyfriend' and next time we can have waffles instead of pancakes.

because you like waffles better.

i almost told you how i felt this morning. you were drinking pineapple juice and doing the dishes. instead i just asked you to be my date for my cousin's wedding. of course you said yes. of course you don't think it's a real date. and of course i ruined the moment by telling some cheesy joke about dishwater and politics.

but you laughed.

so it was worth it.

breakfast tomorrow will be different. i promise. i'll stop being a coward. I WILL BE BRAVE. and i will ask you out. for real. i won't write you silly letters on this website. i will write real letters. and i'll leave them in your coffee mug. because i'm not satisfied anymore. i'm not. i'm not. i'm not.

i want to be more to you than what i am.

i love you. you're my best friend. you've been my best friend since we were 15 years old. i love all of you. i love the way you don't mind my crazy bed-head in the mornings when you come over. or how you say "photograph" wrong. the pretty little mole on your left wrist. i love that you always wear your slippers to the grocery store. i love that you know what i'm thinking.

i love you.

i want to marry you.

i decided that the moment i met you in high school. i decided you would be my wife. and eating breakfast with you as friends for the past 7 years has made me want that even more.

but first i just have to ask you out for real.

i feel like throwing up.

i can't even imagine proposing to you.

i need to take this one step at a time. i need to learn not to joke at important conversation points. like discussions over dating.

and i need to find something to wear to that wedding tomorrow.

tall boy

CUTEST.THING.EVER.

On the Radio

2010-04-28T07:46:00.000-07:00

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

2010-04-27T15:49:00.001-07:00

Indian food baths and sleeping in your bed

2010-04-26T18:48:00.001-07:00

You lied straight to my face.
You told me the whole thing was done.
You said you wanted to spend time with me.

I’m not stupid or naive.
I knew this wasn’t something meant to last.
but I just wish it could have lasted while you were here.

I wanted to say good-bye as friends
and now I won’t even be able to do that.
We are not friends.
I will not say good-bye.

2010-04-26T16:48:00.000-07:00

From my up here,
I keep looking for that perfect, ugly, invisible love.
The kind that corrodes internal organs
and sweeps the landscape of the mind into flash flood chaos.
All I receive is sanitized hugs and kisses from disinfected arms which can’t hold me,
which I can’t feel or fit into at all.
I’m waiting. I’m waiting
for my jaw to give way from gritting my teeth.
It’s the last few seconds of a car crash,
played out in slow motion,
waiting for the airbags to inflate before I crack my forehead open on the dash.
But they don’t.
Ever noticed how they never do?

drop

2010-04-25T18:56:00.000-07:00

You are my idea of beautiful

But beauty fades.
feelings get lost
people slip away
and there's nothing to grasp at
you can't hold on to nothing forever.
If you don't let go,
it's going to drop you.

At some point you've got to put out the cigarette you're smoking
change the clothes you're wearing
get out of the small space you call home.
we all come to a point where everything has to change.
you've got to keep you're good things,
in your mind.

"You're just coming to a turning point in you're life kailey"
"I'm tired of turning points."

I know shit happens,
and you have to get over it
and move the fuck on.
I also know
that doing so is a lot harder than it seems.

Never compare you're journey to others around you
we are not on the same road.
Sometimes though,
we meet at the turning points and intersections
and travel together.
The roads stay different no matter who you are with.

2010-04-24T17:54:00.003-07:00

KJSBDFJDGFUIBGJKNGKNDFHFUIDHFUSDFHVEFBKJBJKHFHUIGKLNRKJWEGHEW.
this is bullshit.
this is how i feel right now.

lighter on the coffee table

2010-04-22T16:23:00.001-07:00

Sometimes
it's like a lighter that no longer works,
but you keep it around anyway.
It lays on the coffee table, no one trows it out.
You find it in your pocket and just put it back.
It can't do anything for you anymore
but you don't want to throw it away.

then one day it works once,
for no reason.
Then it's really finished.
Then you throw it away.

Maybe we know that's when were going die,
after you have that one spark that makes a flame.

writting on the walls

2010-04-21T17:08:00.000-07:00

2010-04-20T20:53:00.000-07:00

It hits me harder every time I think about it.
This isn't anything at all.

DFKH

2010-04-20T20:29:00.000-07:00

I wore yellow, you wore green.

I was so nervous I barely remember walking through camp.
I know it was just starting to get dark.
I knew the path down to the dock by heart.
Holding hands, I lead you between the tree's and rocks.
You let me sit down where it was dry and sat down beside me on the wet wood.
We tangled our legs together.
The quiet was nice and the conversation was light
but meaningful.

God is great beer is good and people are crazy
Between our words, in the small seconds of silence
my i-pod was playing music.
and all the broken hearts, that hang around here.

"Marianas trench is my favorite band, you wanna hear my favorite song?"
"Play it."
So we sat there, quiet.
I mouthed the words and hummed along.
we kissed and smiled and laughed,
everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

It was another world.
Where camp didn't matter and neither did time,
only us sitting by the water.
Someone across the lake set off fireworks.
I felt my heart quicken and my breath shorten,
panic. fear. panic.
You held onto to me, you told me you were there,
you'd always be there. I'm safe, it's okay.
Everything is fine.
I don't know how many times you repeated it to me,
over and over and over again.
You drained out the ugly and injected love.

Everything changes and you won't be at camp this summer.
I've seen you once since then, it wasn't enough for me.
I'm going to wake every morning,
look at that broken dock and realize I won't see you that day.
It's unnatural.
I'm sorry you're not sorry.

2010-04-15T20:08:00.000-07:00

Pick me a fucking flower,
I'll be happy for the rest of the day.

Everyone's always careful with flowers,
it's a small fragile wonderful thing.
I could be too...